By:Victoria Hincapie Gomez Date: April 18 of 2022
Since as long as I can remember being considered or seen as beautiful has been unfortunately something really important to me. Over the years I have understood the reason behind this.
It became sort my shield in multiple stages of my life. In high school when I was bullied ,when I felt lonely in my first months in Toronto , and whenever I didn't felt smart enough throughout the two semesters that I have been studying journalism. Because whenever I felt sad , depressed or not smart enough , I thought well at least am ''beautiful''.
But when I started my transition last year, I noticed that I any longer fitted in on those stereotypes of beauty that I had strenuously tried to follow and be part of. This realization made sad and mad at the same time , but not mad towards the fact itself , but to how something like that was so important to me.
The problem with this was and continues to be , is that I care to much about the perspective of any beholder when it comes down to my looks. Prior to transitioning I didn't actually felt beautiful since I wasn't really myself , but I was told so. I sought and continue to seek validation especially from men , the compliments became the source of gauging how beautiful and desired I was.
Deconstructing those ideas and patterns of beauty that have been immersed in my head , is not something that I have achieved nor being successful at. I strive to go after the already well-known conventional patterns and in my mind that is what draws the line of what makes someone beautiful or not.
I think the reason why I have unconsciously and consciously over sexualized myself with the purpose of being perceived as attractive, is because I thought that up to a certain point I was going to be able to see what others saw in me.
The truth is I don't truly feel beautiful, I only feel like that with makeup plastered in my face. Makeup I think is for me and for many trans women both a weapon to feel confident on a social setting as well as our worst enemy. The best part of my day is getting ready to go to classes or simply going out somewhere, but the worst part is when I remove my makeup right before going to bed. I feel my insecurities at their finest , vulnerable, and powerless.
My hormones have helped to appease those insecurities that mainly originate from my gender dysphoria , emphasis in helped. Although I am not in the stage of my transition that I want to be at , I hope that the steps that I am going to be taking these following months make me feel one step closer to that finish line. If there is a finish line....
In less than three weeks I will be undergoing a breast augmentation surgery , which I am very excited about. I have yearned this for so long , and it is here finally. For women like me justifying going through these surgeries goes beyond our own insecurities , they are gender-affirming surgeries for us.
Writing this blog each week has been really working as a therapy for me to channel my inner thoughts , my journey , the public figures that have inspired me and ultimately became a safe space to even for a few hours forget all of the negative thoughts and things that I worry about on a daily basis.
Is nice to once in awhile psychoanalyze yourself , in order to get to the root of where certain patterns within ourselves come from. Nothing just pops out out of nowhere, everything has an explanation.
By realizing all of those things , I have concluded that whether someone finds me pretty or not shouldn't be something I care as much. I have being focusing more on what transitioning entails physically than emotionally and seeking approval from people that mostly look upon me as a sexual object or rather an ''experiment''.
I hope you liked it , feel free to comment down below.
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