By: Victoria Hincapie Gomez Date : November 1st of 2022
Photo from: Refinery 29
Growing up I never felt sexualized , but I saw how most of the women in my life were. The whistling, the flirting and looks of desire were something althought I never received ( at least on a flirtatious tone) I saw happening vicariously through me.
When you are in the cinema , you see all the course of events and things occurring in a character's life from a viewer's perspective ,yet you don't actually feel or know what going through that character's life entails nor its repercussions. This is how I felt, as much as I wanted to experience both the good and bad things of womanhood that my friends were enduring, I simply couldnt.
In the early stages of my transition I felt I was still on the co-pilot seat, when it came down to feeling sexualized or fetishized as a woman. At some point in the 4 months I was in Colombia, something shifted , that could have been attributed to being in hormone replacement theraphy for about 4 months at the time and my operation. These factors, at least on my standpoint made people (especially men) began to start treating me differently.
The same type of men that once mocked my existence were now allured by my new appearance, my true appearance.I wasn't really prepared for this sort of transition, and at first I enyoyed it.Then I had an epiphany ,and realized that It didn't really matter whether I was this attractive woman under the gaze of some men , because as long they knew I was trans, I still was a joke to them.
Dating is not something particularly easy for any sort of women, nevertheless I can say that cis straight men aren't trained or raised to handle dating a trans woman. We represent something new, prohibited ,and over sexualized.
Recently I created a profile on Bumble, a dating app popular in Canada. I downloaded the app and attempted to leave behind all my personal preconceptions from past experiences interacting with men. Unfortunately all of my preconceived ideas were true.
` On the bright side, this ongoing dating experiment really helped me grasp the preconceptions and stereotypes that most men have of trans women and to also realize how differently I was being treated than a cis girl. Most were and still are blunt in such a dehumanizing way ,asking me questions like '' what do you have between your legs'' right away, as if my womanhood was reduced to my genitalia.
These type of intimate questions with a different context of course, would not be asked to a cis girl within minutes of meeting her. But unfortunantly, there is this two-way narrative between straight men and trans women. This underlined narrative expects trans women to have patience when dating a straight men and ultimately accomadate to his feelings and the ''out of conformfort experience'' that dating us is .
As a woman that is in a marginalized community, I would say that I partly understand but don't justify straight men and their constant need of keeping us as a secret. The dillema of '' what would other people think'' or doing what we actually want is something all of us regardless of our gender identity have had to face at some point or even constantly go through.
The thing is, if a man or woman truly like someone that among his or her many adjectives to be described as is trans, that voice in their head worrying about other people's opinions should be outnumbered by all of those different aspects that made the person they are in a relationship with special. Traits that have nothing to do with being trans.
Writing this, I am aware and self conscious about the fact that I do not apply what am writing into practice. I still fall for old patterns of behaviour,and search for approval in the wrong places. I am still discovering certain parts of me, that I am not the most proud of. After all, although I was always Victoria , I have only navigated life as woman in a social setting for a year or so.
Currently I am on the stage of my transition, in which I am deconstructing things that I was taught to think and pondering upon whether I do certain things for myself or only do them to abide to the cis heteronormative. Questions like: Is this the next step I want to take in my physical transition or do I feel I should move on with this solely due to society's pressure upon trans bodies, such as mine?, are among the many questions that roam in my head. Usually when people put me in such a position, that I feel like an outcast.
Is overwhelming as a trans individual to analyze what you truly want between these fine lines of should and desire. But we as trans individuals and queer people need to keep reminding ourselves that our worth and Identity goes beyond what genitals we have. Although people around us want to make their decisions regarding who to love, how to dress , and ultimately how to present to the world solely on their assigned gender at birth, we don't have to and we won't.
I refuse to let people define me based on what I may or may not have between my legs. I am much stronger now than when I started to transition socially and medically a year ago.I don't ask for respect, I demand it.
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