By: Victoria Hincapie Gomez Date: September 9 of 2022
If I had to describe these last 4 months of my life in two words only , I would say challenging yet fulfilling. I traveled to Colombia 4 months ago or so with the idea that coming back home was going to be a great experience for me on an emotional level , mostly due to the physical changes I was going to go through.
At first It seemed like everything I had predicted was true , I arrived to Colombia and as expected my surgery was performed on the 4th of may, and with it a rush of emotions came into me. I rembember being ecstatic when I woke up from the surgery and glancing at my own refection in the mirror, It simply felt right.
Whilst recovering from surgery , I started the whole process of changing my legal documents , which really messed with my psyche. Sometimes we unconsciously romanticize things , to shield ourselves from negative thoughts and regrets. But the raw true is that the city I was raised in , wasn't a great environment for someone like me to grow up in , neither for the person I pretended to be nor the person I always was.
That reality hit me when I was misgendered , while I was in line getting my new passport under Victoria .In that moment I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time , vulnerability. It was as if all the barriers I had built up to protect me were being pulled down , and sudenly shame overrulled me.
Instead of feeling rage for what just had happened , I felt ashamed of being trans , not because of some rejection towards my own Identity , but for what being trans meant to most people in my culture. It meant I was a joke , It meant I wasn't woman enough or not a woman to begin with , just a man playing in woman's clothing.
I rejected all of this narrative , but it hurt me nonetheless. I was suppose to be fully enjoying all these changes that were mayor for my transition , yet navigating life as a trans woman in a city such as Cartagena , forced me to hide my identity.
I don't fit the image of what most people think a trans woman looks like , so I was able to be in a patriarchal social environment without being spotted or seen as a trans woman , a privilege that not all trans girls have.However it didnt make any difference when the thruth got out. Whenever I shared my instagram to guys I met in the span of my stay in Colombia and they saw the trans flag in my profile , all interest towards me suddenly dissapeared. It didn't matter If they thought I was pretty or smart , or even both , because as long as trans was within adjectives used to describe me , it overpower all those things.
At the end of the day I got what I wanted , I got my surgery and my legal documents changed , but that wasn't enough. I yearned for acceptance and above all , a fresh new start.
I was one step closer to being the woman I always dreamed of to become , however I didn't want to become a fetish or be reminded of my past when disclosing my truth.
My ''cispassing'' became in those 4 months my shield to safely commute around public spaces. I took pride in not being ''clocked '' , which in retrospect shows that what it started as disdain towards the trans narrative and gender stereotypes, throughtout my stay in colombia became an obession to appear cis and abide to these norms and prototypes of femininity.
Under the excuse of survival, I modified my stye to overtly project femininity , with the purpose of making my identity unquestionable to the people(mostly men) that went from teasing me for my sexuality , to sexualizing my existence and undermining my journey as a trans woman.
Now back in Toronto I ponder upon all of these things and see all clearly. I stay true to my decision of going back home , but now I have to retrace some of my steps taken prior to my trip.When even in the very first stages of my transition in which my gender dysphoria commanded my days , I celebrated each nuance of my identity.
I hope you enjoyed it , feel free to leave a comment down below
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