By: Victoria Hincapie gomez Date: May 27 of 2022
Sometimes I start to think about the woman I could have been in another life far away from mine, one in which being trans was not in the scene, one in which my identity was not under debate. As much as I feel proud of the woman I am, the one hidden for many years in my subconscious, I create in my mind these fantasies, of the future that never came and of the past that never existed. I have found it comforting to hold on to these fantasies, in times and moments when thinking about the real and overwhelming present is disconcerting. it's funny to think of how a gaze, comment, or action can change your day. The other day I was prowling down the streets with one of my best friends , when I heard a compliment, one of those clichés that are often annoying.
But that day had a special meaning for me, because for the first time I was satisfied with my body in an outdoors space, and following this I presented myself with a question. Is it possible that all of those inquisitive looks, denoting what in my perception was disdain towards me, could have been transformed into looks denoting desire? Or as the colloquial phrase often used in Latin America says , was it too early to sing Victory?
Being ''unclockable'' shouldn't be something to really be proud of or get praised for , because if I think about it being trans is one of the many adjectives that describe me. But I am highly aware that when most people hear the word trans , their minds swirl towards thoughts that are not always positive. So although is not a part of me that I am going to flaunting around , why do I catch myself being afraid of people perceiving this part of me, and most importantly why do I give a fuck about what others think ?
I guess being ''unclockable'' , which I don't think I am as a trans woman , is something I have yearned for awhile not because of some self hatred regarding my identity, but because of what it means on a social setting. It means that I can go on with my life like any other woman and not be always worrying about whether I am being looked upon as a freak or not. That's why I rather being viewed as a sexual object than freak , neither of which are good, yet in one your are a subject of praises and in the other one you are a subject of snickers.
However I think it has more nuance than just being preoccupied about people's perception of you , I see it as a longing of getting up to a point in which people find my own identity to be undeniable, unquestionable. The word woman has become since I started my transition my own internal fight , my shield ,and my redemption.
Once I made amends with my own identify , I had to fight my internal demons that kept telling that I wasn't woman enough , that I would never ''pass'' as one , and mostly that I wasn't ever going to be considered a beautiful one. My hormones then became my shield , they protected me from the thoughts roaming in my mind originated right from my own gender dysphoria.
They in a way helped me reclaimed with the changes that I kept observing as the days went by , something that I never got to enjoy at its fullest, my femininity. They were the main catalyst that aided me to embrace , accept , love and nurture my womanhood.
Now I encounter myself in the redemption stage , having crossed a metaphorical bridge within my transition emotionally and physically , of the many that I feel are yet to be crossed in my transition. I can't lie and say that I am in the place that I want to be mentally and physically , but I couldn't have ever imagined how immensely my life would have change in less than a span of a year.
I am a woman regardless of what is seen through other people's lenses , I am a woman , not a cis one , but one that its identity wasn't granted , was fought for.
I hope you liked this week's blog , feel free to comment down below
Yours truly , V
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